will the person who stole the ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

:- vonovitch

January 2022

people who say

people who say ‘lets do this’ – please don’t do that

:- alan bennett

August 2020

crystal maze

recreate a challenge on the crystal maze by going to the all night garage and ask the member of staff to go and retrieve various items, whilst yelling “you’ve got a minute – what can you see in front of you” and “leave it, just come out” through the nightpay hatch

:- scott bennett

March 2019


the more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap……..stay safe, eat cake


:- anonymous

January 2019


i am having an mri scan next week to see if i suffer from claustrophobia

:- steven wright

May 2018

social media

social media companies influence how people think and behave without them even being aware of it. this has far-reaching adverse consequences on the functioning of democracy, particularly on the integrity of elections.

in addition, social media companies deceive their users by manipulating their attention and directing it towards their own commercial purposes and deliberately engineer addiction to the services they provide. the latter can be very harmful, particularly for adolescents.

the power to shape people’s attention is increasingly concentrated in the hands of a few companies. it takes a real effort to assert and defend what john stuart mill called ‘the freedom of mind’. there is a possibility that once lost, people who grow up in the digital age will have difficulty in regaining it. this may have far-reaching political consequences.

an “even more alarming prospect” is on the horizon if data-rich internet companies such as facebook and google pair their corporate surveillance systems with state-sponsored surveillance – a trend that’s already emerging in places such as the philippines.

this may well result in a web of totalitarian control the likes of which not even aldous huxley or george orwell could have imagined.

-: george soros

January 2018


i once wrote a song about a tortilla – actually it was more of a wrap

– paul mccartney

January 2018


when you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher

 – mrs trellis

October 2017


how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

– steven wright

September 2017


i have never seen subliminal advertising

– anon

July 2017

on it

I bought the A4 pad from may’s shop like I always do and wrote ‘on it’ on it – on the front of it. Then I opened the A4 pad like I always do and got a pen that I will have lost half a dozen times – lost and found – found then lost again and picked up the now found pen and found I was lost – lost for words

– tony pitts

June 2017


one afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. because we didn’t have a fireplace

– victor borge

January 2017


roses are red, violets are blue, i’m schizophrenic and so am I

– oscar levant

November 2016

dwarf knight

once upon a time there was a dwarf knight who only had fifty words to live in and they were so fleeting that he only had time to put on a suit of armor and ride swiftly on a black horse into a very well-lit woods where he vanished forever

– richard brautigan

September 2016


why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

– al mcguire

May 2016


a bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes

– sean locke

May 2016


today there’s something cloying about people’s compulsive need to be in touch all the time. In the 1960s, husbands and wives set out for their day’s work and came together again only when that work was done: there were none of those “i’m on the train” messages telling every stranger within a 10-yard radius the details of your private life. this difference was more than technical. people had individual lives to lead and were less dependent on each other for the rough and tumble of daily living. the call from the supermarket (“which pesto sauce do you want?”) was unthinkable. and not only because we’d never heard of pesto. people simply had to make decisions for themselves and it made them more resourceful. harold and I were very resourceful indeed

– joan bakewell

April 2016


lead us not into temptation. just tell us where it is; we’ll find it

– sam levenson

November 2015


It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still

– bill bailey

October 2015


change is inevitable – except from a vending machine

– robert gallagher

July 2015
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Crushed // Melon
  1. Crushed // Melon
  2. Heavy Wait // Melon
  3. Hello Boys // Melon
  4. Why I Hate the Sixties // Melon
  5. Spearhead // Melon
  6. Sheila // Melon
  7. Saturday Girl // Melon
  8. Park and Ride // Melon
  9. Now I know // Melon
  10. My Crap Life // Melon