vinegar
i went to the local supermarket and said “i want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “those are pickled onions”
– tim vine
18
March
2014
_unidentified_thoughts_
theory
there is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.there is another theory which states that this has already happened
– douglas adams
18
March
2014
lard
my grandad was once ill with a winter chill, so my mum rubbed lard into his back. he went down hill very fast after that
18
March
2014
present
there’s no present. there’s only the immediate future and the recent past
– george carlin
18
March
2014
watching
we called in to watch a man watch the climbers watch their step on el capitan. he had climbed it himself five times but judging by the pictures he had of himself – that was some time ago. now he photographed others all summer……..every summer! It takes a team five days to get up….. solo nearer nine. we watched the watching for a while in amazement. The man watching the watching said exactly the same thing to every tourist who stopped by to watch him….but he wasn’t a bad sort……he just had nothing better to do
– vonovitch
18
March
2014
tattoo
when i was a teenager i wanted a tattoo and my parents said i could only do it if i had it in a place that didn’t matter – so i had it done in hull
– jimmy carr
18
March
2014
illusion
economic growth has enriched the few, impoverished the many and endangered the planet
– richard douthwaite
18
March
2014
papoose
driving at 20,000 feet in blistering heat with snow all around you is a bizarre, unreal experience – that’s because it didn’t happen – we were at 10,000 feet. pulling out on tioga road, we cut across to the east and got out of the oldsmobile to follow a small trail to a lone sequoia tree (just a very large tree). we chatted with a slightly disenchanted british soldier from the green jackets who wrote ‘papoose’ on his hand while we were with him. his ‘discount’ blue shorts he’d just bought had given him blue legs.
– vonovitch
18
March
2014
origami
don’t do origami with 8 year old kids – how would you fold them…
– confucius evans
18
March
2014
money
i have enough money to last me for the rest of my life……….as long as i die at 1 o’clock in the morning
– the knave of hearts
18
March
2014
love
you cannot make someone love you. all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic, and then give in.
– strange cosmos
18
March
2014
