x factor

we gaze at dermot and his x factor envelope. who’s leaving? maria, the recently bereaved office manager from oswestry, or greg, that guy in the hat you liked at the auditions but who now you come to think of it, reminds you a bit of that weird guy who went out with your friend sarah?

we gaze at tess and her strictly come dancing envelope. who’s leaving? martin the former world-ranked number eight snooker player, or emma-kate, who, in the absence of more information, you’re assuming was once in hollyoaks?

we gaze at brian (or ryan? no hold on – steve? anyway, the guy who took over from davina) and his big brother envelope. who’s leaving? christobel, the transgender unicycling hair-stylist, or maxine, the other transgender unicycling hair-stylist?

the average pause between ‘tease and reveal’ has risen to a mammoth 23.8 seconds

– richard osman